Reasons and tips. The child is afraid to be alone at home. Reasons and advice Why it’s scary to be alone with a child
Two years ago I met my current husband. There was a lot of romance, he tried to spend all his time with me, I was very happy. I fell in love with him madly. A year later I became pregnant and we got married. This is where it all started. He clearly didn't have enough time. I know for sure that I didn’t cheat, but I started constantly disappearing from friends and using marijuana. We fight because of this, throughout my pregnancy he drove me into hysterics with his sprees, he didn’t work... After giving birth, I didn’t take academic leave, two months later I went back to school, then got a job. As a result, I work, study, and spend time with my daughter in the evenings. My husband goes out all night with friends and insults me. Many times I was going to leave and get a divorce. I’m not leaving out of hopelessness, I just don’t know how to cope alone. Still, he helps with the child, he loves his daughter very much. A month ago I got a job. I just don't know what to do. Until he starts walking, everything is perfect for us, but then everything starts all over again.
Love, 18 years old
Have you already decided to leave your husband, but don’t leave just because you don’t know how to cope alone? But now you are coping. You earn money, you study, you spend time with your daughter. I think you're doing a great job.
Don't you think that emotionally difficult, exhausting relationships do not help you, but, on the contrary, complicate your life, make it more difficult and unpleasant? Perhaps, by freeing yourself from them, you will not so much lose something as gain something new: freedom, peace of mind, time for yourself, peace of mind, finally. And more strength for your life.
You write that the main thing that holds you back is that your husband helps you with your daughter and loves her. It's wonderful when a child has a loving dad. But your relationship with him and his relationship with his daughter are two different things. Just because you want a divorce doesn't mean you don't want him to be a father to your daughter. People often separate, realizing that their future life together will not bring joy to anyone, but at the same time they remain the parents of their children, decide together on parenting issues, see their children and spend time with them.
Try to imagine what your life will be like if you decide to get a divorce (or, as an option, separate for a while), and what your life will be like if you decide to stay. I think you can make the right decision for yourself.
Ask a question to an expert onlineAny child can be afraid if he feels that his life and health are in danger, that is, if there is no adult nearby. This is a healthy fear, it is absolutely necessary and performs a protective function. But when there is nothing to be afraid of, but there is still fear and no reasonable arguments, persuasion, distractions and babbling help...
Many parents face this problem. The child is afraid to be left alone at home, even for a few minutes. If dad or grandma isn't around, poor mom can't even run out for bread.
The fear of being alone can accompany a child from a very early age, or it can arise suddenly after some event. Let's look at the reasons for the occurrence of such fears in children and determine ways to solve this problem.
Two main causes of fear in childrenThis is not a typo; indeed, there are only two basic reasons for children’s fears. A deep understanding of these reasons is very important in order not to listen to meaningless or downright harmful advice, and also so that parents themselves can help their child get rid of any unreasonable fears.
Any child can be afraid if he feels that his life and health are in danger, that is, if there is no adult nearby. This is a healthy fear, it is absolutely necessary and performs a protective function. But when there is nothing to be afraid of, but there is still fear and no reasonable arguments, persuasion, distractions and chattering help - it’s time to turn to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
So, the main reasons for children's fears:
Imagine: you are a small and defenseless creature and your whole life depends on one giant, who can take care of you, protect you from dangers, order other giants so that they also take care and do not offend you. Or he may forget about you or, conversely, start screaming, swearing and scaring you. Or your giant, perhaps weak and insecure himself, is afraid of everything in the world, and especially of other giants. Will he be able to protect you? How will you feel in this case?
A sense of safety and security is the basis for the development of any child. Read more about this fundamental concept in.
If a 3-4 year old child is afraid to be left alone, maybe he is not sure that his mother will definitely return? Maybe you left him for too long or left him with strangers? This happens when a baby is admitted to the hospital, for example, and the mother is not allowed to see him. Or when the mother herself unexpectedly ends up in the hospital or goes to the maternity hospital for a new baby, and the baby turns out to be completely unprepared for this and feels abandoned.
If mom and dad argue and sort things out in front of the child, especially when meanings are heard “Go away and don’t come back!” or “I’ll leave and not come back!”, then the child awakens to an unconscious, unspoken fear of losing his family. He is afraid to stay at home alone because he is afraid that one of his parents, especially his mother, may leave forever and not return.
If a mother raises a child alone, if she is exhausted, torn between work and home, unsure of herself and her future, this uncertainty is automatically and unconsciously passed on to the child, he loses a sense of security and safety. Depending on the child’s vectors, this can be expressed in different ways, for example, by the fact that he is afraid to be left alone. And the smaller the child, the more the mother’s condition affects him.
Or, perhaps, in your absence, a drunk neighbor came, shouted, threatened, banged on the door and thereby caused horror in your baby. And now he is so scared that he is afraid to even tell you about what happened. This happens when a child is not sure that you are guaranteed to be able to protect him from the offender.
If your child is afraid to be alone, think carefully about what reasons he has not to trust you?
Visual vector: a cocktail of fear and loveAt school camp, kids love to tell each other scary stories at night, provoking each other to experience emotions together. Why do some even relatively adult 9-10 year old children, after such entertainment, begin to be afraid to fall asleep without light or be left alone in a city apartment in broad daylight?
Do not scold or shame the child for his fears, do not compare with other, more “brave” children. The best thing you can do is give your baby support and confidence.
Do not scare Baba Yaga, Barmaley, someone else's uncle, Voldemort and other evil spirits. Such children are already the most afraid of all.
Do not read scary fairy tales or fairy tales where cannibalism is present. These are such fairy tales as “Kolobok”, “The Wolf and the Seven Little Goats”, etc. The child imagines himself in the place of the eaten hero. What do you think it would be like to be eaten?
Develop in the child compassion and empathy, the ability to understand the feelings of other people. To do this, read compassionate fairy tales and classical literature. Learn to have compassion for animals, and most importantly, for people. By learning to worry about the heroes of works of art, a visual child learns to think about others, understand their feelings, that is, to empathize. In place of fear, love gradually settles inside, in which, as is systemically known, there is no fear.
You probably already understand that under no circumstances should you force a child to remain alone at home. This will only worsen his fears and further shake his already fragile sense of security and safety.
Therefore, the most important thing is to create a favorable emotional background. Understand that he is not pretending, he is actually scared to be alone. You should not focus on fear; with your competent behavior and actions you can ensure that fear goes away without a trace.
The most important thing is to understand your inner state. An anxious mother has an anxious child. Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology” helps adults completely and forever get rid of their own fears and other psychological problems. And when the mother feels well, the children’s condition also normalizes. Listen to one of the reviews from a mother who completed the training.
Play more with your child. Children who do not play regular, non-computer, children's games generally experience more problems in socialization and have much more fears. For children who are afraid to be left at home alone, who are afraid to go into a dark room, a game of mother-daughter will be useful: quietly weave into the game a plot about how “the mother needs to leave, and the child remains at home alone and calmly goes about his business.” Build the plot further, how the mother returns and the happy life continues.
If he is afraid to go into a dark room, try playing with a flashlight. For example, go into a room, take a flashlight on the table and read a secret message. Imagine! By playing with your child, you not only fight his fears, but also strengthen trust between you and build the foundation of your happy family relationships.
Tell your “success story,” heroic or humorous, about how you were afraid of something as a child and how you overcame this fear. Instill confidence in your child that he, too, will be able to overcome his fear.
And most importantly, read books to your child! Good, correct books. Books should develop a child’s soul, teach him to sympathize and empathize. Don't be afraid of books where at the end you feel so sorry for the characters that you want to cry. These are soul-cleansing tears, like air, necessary for the development of a child with a visual vector. For many students of the “System-Vector Psychology” training, after reading Andersen’s sad fairy tale “The Little Match Girl” to children, the children’s fear went away by itself:
“My daughter is 10 years old, and all these years have passed for me like one terrible and terrible dream, because I didn’t understand her at all…………how can you be afraid of everything… goosebumps, bugs, screaming as if you’re being cut, sleeping at night only in the light (I was so tired of misunderstandings and whims that I simply fell off my feet or fell asleep in any position and I had no idea what was happening next with my daughter...
This doesn’t happen, if they told me, I wouldn’t believe it. After reading “The Little Match Girl” for the first time, the next morning my painfully familiar child became different, as if she had been replaced. From then on, I began a happy and sweet life, full of laughter and joy...”
The more you develop a child with a visual vector sensually and emotionally, the more subtly he learns to feel the states of other people, the more responsive and kind he is, the less room there will be for fears in his heart.
Do you want your child to stay home alone calmly and profitably, and you yourself are sure that nothing will happen to him? So that both you and he can respond adequately to a stressful situation? So that both you and your child can navigate the world around them and at first glance be able to determine which of those around them can be trusted and who cannot?
The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»Perhaps the very formulation of the question may seem strange to someone: how can you be afraid of your own child? I admit that not everyone has encountered the problem of desperate panic at the thought of being left alone for the whole day with a screaming baby who is not yet a month old. But I admit: I personally encountered it. And if at least one young mother is helped by my thoughts and my advice, I will be happy, because I understand perfectly well what is happening with the nervous system and psyche of a woman who has just given birth.
The right attitudeSo, morning came, my husband went to work - and the door closed behind him. Mom (that is, grandmother) is not around, nor is her mother-in-law. Sister, brother and other members of the household (if any) also left on business. You are left alone with a baby who is not even a month old. He cannot be distracted by rattle toys because he is not responding to them yet. You have problems with your breasts (no milk or not enough milk), cracked nipples, and in general you probably can’t sit down yet. Plus you haven’t slept well for several nights in a row. Doesn't it scare you? Then congratulations - you are a heroine! At the sound of the door closing, I began to cry: postpartum depression did not bypass me.
But you were left alone with your little one for the whole day. And you can already hear that he is starting to whine. What to do?
First of all, take a deep breath and try to curb your panic. Walk up to the whining baby and look at him. Now think about the fact that he himself cannot do anything, he is completely helpless. For your child, you are the dearest person who can help him with everything: feed him, change his diaper, take him for a walk... He needs you, his mother, more than anything in the world. Realized? Great, let's move on.
Crying for no reason is rareIf it's a baby, it means something is wrong. First of all, look at the clock and remember when did your baby eat? Hasn’t three hours passed unnoticed by you? Is he hungry?
If the reason is not the desire to eat, check if the diaper is full. No? Are your pants dry? After all, little boys often manage to wet their pants and bodysuit, leaving the diaper almost dry. The reason often lies in the fact that babies under one month old are not yet big enough even for the smallest size diaper. As a result, the rubber bands do not fit tightly to the legs, and the pussy is on the side - and this is the result.
Is that okay too? Great. Touch the nose, arms, legs... And not so much to see if the child is cold, but if he is overheated. If in doubt, measure your temperature.
If your baby is more than three weeks old, and you begin to notice that he screams more often and louder for no reason, most likely this is the same colic. Try a special food against the formation of gas, dill water, drugs based on simethicone (Espumizan or Infacol). Maybe something will help. But usually the most effective doctor in this case is time. As my personal experience shows, if there is colic, then no matter what you do, until it goes away on its own, then nothing can be done to help the baby. Just hold her in your arms and just calm her down.
However, my godmother’s daughter, at the age of several months, often cried and was capricious for no apparent reason. As a result, after a thorough examination, the pediatrician announced the verdict: the child is absolutely healthy, the reason for the tears is either colic or a nature of increased harm. So, if you have created all the conditions for your child, and the doctors unanimously say that everything is fine with the baby, know: your child is just a little harmful and a little capricious. But there will be justice for him too!
Mom's Secret WeaponWe are, of course, talking about breasts. It doesn’t matter whether you only breastfeed or whether your baby’s diet is based on formula. For a baby, mother’s breast is not only food, but also a way to calm down. The native smell, the beating of the heart, which the baby is accustomed to hearing in the tummy, mother’s love and the warmth of her body - all this has a calming effect on the child. So don’t be nervous and don’t cry, just put your screaming son or daughter to your chest. After sucking, he will at least calm down. Otherwise, tired of hard work, he will fall asleep.
Readiness number oneIt is very important to be ready to meet the baby’s needs at any time. If he is bottle-fed, make sure that the bottles are always washed and sterilized on time, so as not to wash them in a panic to the accompaniment of a loud scream. If you have cracked nipples, try to wash off the healing cream from them before the baby gets hungry. Don’t forget to wash and iron children’s clothes in a timely manner - so that there are always two or three changing sets on the shelf.
And the most important thing. Remember that it will soon get easier. The first month is the most difficult. Afterwards it will be easier, if only because the child will begin to respond to the rattles, and you will be able to somehow distract him. In addition, you will get used to the new way of life.
Praktikus
Hello, I need help, I’m on maternity leave with my child, I can’t overcome anxiety and even some kind of fear of being alone with the child, I’m looking forward to evenings and weekends, although the child is long-awaited and beloved, he often asks to be held, screams often when changing clothes or something - you don’t give it, he’s very persistent, he takes away books and the phone, you can only sit next to me or do something around the house, but not for me. I want to turn into Cinderella, and I really need personal space. Now the child is one year old, it is much easier to come to an agreement with him, but I’m still scared, I don’t want my husband to go to work, it’s much easier to be with the child with him, you can calmly go to the toilet, bath, eat normally, and I’m almost not irritated at all from your helplessness.
Praktikus
Yes, sometimes the grandmother, she works, sometimes comes to visit in the evenings or on weekends and sits with the child. In general, everything is not so bad, for others it is much worse, but for some reason I can’t overcome this fear, I even ask for the phrase - don’t leave me with him! It’s like he’s an enemy, but he’s just a baby, who sometimes even hurts by pulling your hair and trying to hit you, as if out of love.
Praktikus, good afternoon!
I see that you promptly responded to my message, and I had already gone to bed!
Let me remind you that we communicate here in a free time format! :)
Tell me, please, when the grandmother is with the baby, how do you feel? Do the thoughts and feelings that you describe fade into the background, disappear altogether, or are replaced by something else?
Have you often carried your child in your arms since birth?
Are you talking about fear and anxiety, is there both? Please describe these feelings to me in more detail, if possible!
Praktikus
Hello, when grandma comes, the first reaction is to step away, do something without the child, at least eat, drink tea. Then irritation arises with the grandmother and the child, especially when the grandmother cannot cope with the child and constantly attracts me to every step or begins to command, like do this or that while she plays with her grandson.
I don’t even understand why I’m irritated, apparently because grandma is the only person who can put up with it.
There is no fear when my grandmother or husband is nearby, and I really don’t want to be abandoned.
I wore it, but not all the time, as I was having a hard time recovering from the surgery. There were also problems with colic and bowel movements in a child up to 5 months old, so this time was such a whirlwind, I don’t want to remember, so I had to carry it in my arms almost constantly, and my grandmother and even another grandmother helped me with this from time to time.
Praktikus, the first years of a child’s life, especially the first, are not easy work, I understand you.
Your fatigue, anxiety and irritability are normal. Remember that over time your baby will become more and more independent.
One day you will discover that your child does the usual things in which you are used to helping him without you, and, believe me, in addition to relief, you may experience slight disappointment (“How are you doing? I’m no longer needed?”).
In the meantime, this is in the future:
1) try to use the support of loved ones as much as possible,
2) arrange a “mommy hour” when your husband is nearby. Taking a bath, after breakfast, in the middle of the day off, whenever you can,
3) relaxation - fragrant baths in the dark with candles, contrast showers, massage, music, etc.,
4) take time off for walks with friends or solo trips to the store,
5) try making daily schedules,
6) try to engage in a hobby, at least 30 minutes a day.
Do what brings you personal satisfaction (schedule items completed, number of pages of a book read, hobbies).
Anxiety can arise due to chronic fatigue, due to Groundhog Day. The recommendations given above can help you brighten up this difficult period of your life.
Do you have any questions or would you like to discuss something in more detail?
Praktikus
Thank you for your answer, I’m already trying to do this, I think I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope with the child, or he will scream, and he won’t scream only if I’m with him every second, and this is a complete limitation of human rights and I want him to he knew how to play on his own, to develop his imagination, and not only did everything through his mother, or rather not even through his mother, but through another person, always an adult due to the circumstances.
It turns out that I do what I like in the evening and at night to the detriment of household chores, in the end they accumulate, the child clings to his leg and blocks him if he wants something.
Probably, I was not ready to provide such a volume of attention to the child, to his increased attention to me and to the routine of everyday life, which still needs to be combined with the child, and there are also plans to return to work and worries about the lack of money
Praktikus, while the child is one year old, he learns the world through you, it is difficult for him to sit still and he reacts to many things with protest (including screams). These are features of his age!
It turns out that I do what I like in the evening and at night to the detriment of household chores, in the end they accumulate, the child clings to his leg and blocks him if he wants something. ---Are you ready not to have time to do everything, but to maintain internal balance?
Probably, I was not ready to provide such a volume of attention to the child, to his increased attention for me and to the routine of everyday life, which still needs to be combined with the child, and there are also plans to return to work and worries about the lack of money --- many mothers experiencing the same difficulties - this is temporary. To avoid getting overwhelmed by everyday chores, plan your time and activities. Don’t do everything in one laziness - walked past the dishes - washed a couple of plates, walked past the lying things - picked up a few and put them in their place. Don't try to embrace the immensity.
As for attention, this is a specific moment. While the child is small, he requires a lot of attention, but if we don’t find a middle ground in this, then later we run after the grown-up children, and not they after us.
Finding a golden mean that takes into account the needs of the whole family - the child, father and mother - is the primary task that can be resolved through joint efforts, techniques, schedules, compromises, and the understanding that something can be sacrificed (the ideal order, for example). Good afternoon, I have this problem with my husband of 6 years, 2 children 4.5 years old and 1.3 years old. He asks for a divorce, says that all these years he has suppressed the feeling that he is selfish, insensitive and that he wants to live alone. At the same time, he says that he loves him, but doesn’t want to live with anyone, that it’s not my fault, what should I do? I understand that I can’t live without him because I grew up without a father and this also affects me, the fear of being left alone, that the children will not be in a full-fledged family. He says I will take the children, I will help, but I don’t want to live. Of course, I understand that he is tired of everyday life, but if he lives alone, there is a chance that he will never return. I just cry all day long, I don’t know how to live on, only children stop me. My husband wants to live alone and asks for a divorce, but I’m afraid to be left alone with 2 children Hello, Maria! I think a good sign for you is that your husband asks you for a divorce and does not leave silently. Perhaps he is less selfish than he thinks. Have you considered the option of separation with frequent visits without divorce, like a guest marriage? In my opinion, this will reduce the catastrophic nature of the situation for you.
However, it is obvious that you are developing an addiction in your relationship. Relationship addiction will always prevent you from feeling happy because your life will always depend on the behavior of the other person.
I think that in any case you need psychological work on yourself as part of individual counseling.
Sincerely, Valeva Galina Valerievna.